At the clinic, we lived there in a nearby hotel with suites. I had a roommate, and we were either in therapy or classes from 9-5. One of the classes I remember most was the "Body Image" workshops. In one workshop we had to walk up to a big piece of paper and draw an outline of how big we thought we were. Next, another girl would draw one for how big they thought you were. Then you'd back up against the paper and the leader of the workshop would trace around you. The perception of my self was about 6" all around LARGER than the actual drawing, and the outline from the other girl was smaller than my actual.
Then we did another workshop where we were talking about things that stressed us out, or saddened us or concerned us. I mentioned that my mom had been pretty depressed since we moved to the midwest, and she was lonely, and not as happy. The woman running the workshop said, "can I try something, I'm going to hold around you from behind... and I'm going to be your mom. I'd like you to just walk around the room with me on you, and talk to your mom." I laughed. The other girls laughed. "Sure! Why not," I responded.
She laid heavy on my back, and as I walked and tried to talk to her, she'd say things like, "I'm so tired," "I hate my life," "Take care of me, Ann," "I need you around, Ann." This went on for just a couple minutes, but by the end of it, I was in tears. I hadn't realized how much I was worried about my mom, and how I had internalized the idea that I had to take care of her, and I couldn't. Remember this, it's a realization that rears it's ugly head 20 years later.
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| More fashion faux pas, but appropriate garb at the time. 1984 on my way back to college, after the clinic. |
Well, I left there and did follow-up therapy, and returned to college. I had a little breakdown when I went on Spring Break with friends from school, to Padre Island. It was not the smartest thing I ever did. "Hey, you have issues with your weight, and you've just finished an eating disorders clinic...whatcha gonna do now?!" "I'm going to a beach filled with size 2 blondes in bikini's with hot dudes drooling over them." Yeah... not smart!
Other than that, I recovered pretty well, had the occasional mishap, but began working out regularly and eating better.
I still wasn't skinny... and I missed the protruding hip bones of my bulimic era, but I stayed the course.
I yo-yo'd in weight, fluctuating 20 lbs up or down for most of my 20s. Had one great summer where I worked out every morning and / or ran in the evening and felt the best I had in a long time. Again, wasn't skinny, but was very fit, and was happy with it. What a concept!
I was fit enough that I actually bought a bandeau top (yes, that was like a tube top, but it twisted in the middle and was MUCH cooler!) with black cotton parachute inspired pants (yeah, I know, ick) and a little black bolero jacket, a regular slave to fashion! I never would have worn this sort of outfit. When I was at my skinniest in my bulimic period, my friends couldn't get me in a miniskirt, it was just too much for me. But my self-esteem had improved enough, I was comfortable dressing like a working girl, to go out.
Now, the switch to where I started packing the pounds on began around '92 and when the first experience I had with online communities... Compuserve to be exact. I went from being a very active, outgoing woman to a "rush home and get online to talk to people I didn't "really" know, and live a soap opera style existence online."
It cost me money, friends and my positive body image. Don't get me wrong, I got a husband out of the deal, but it did take it's toll.
More to come.....
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