I hate to say it, but I... am... f...f....f...fat

I spent most of my youth worrying that I was fat.

I wasn't fat. I played sports, I was constantly outside riding my bike or playing kickball, I didn't really snack. It interrupted playtime to stop and snack.

I was 11 or 12 in this photo, I can't believe my
mom got me into a dress!

But what I did have were these freckled, chipmunk cheeks that were especially large when I smiled. I didn't wear "girlie" clothes and was a bit of a tomboy.  And finally, I was on the taller side of my class. All of those physical attributes combined with the fact that I was one of a handful of girls in the COUNTRY that played Little League baseball, opened me up to considerable teasing. Weight is a good weapon, obviously.

I went through grade school and middle school fairly unscathed. I had built up a steely resistance to personal attacks because I wanted to play ball, and I wanted to play with people who played as well as I did, and at the time, that was with the boys.

I also had a mom who was an outspoken feminist, worked tirelessly to keep the local library open and was the President of the League of Women Voters. So, while I got teased on one level, I was also was very well "connected" thanks to my mom. Every adult in the school system, library system or city hall knew me and my family.

But, then we moved.

Halfway through my freshman year in high school, we moved to Centerville, OH. We went from liberal east coast to conservative midwest.

It was total culture shock.

I went from knowing everyone, to knowing NO ONE. I had a NJ accent. I was a tomboy. I was utterly lost. But this whole chapter in my life, is a post of it's own. Needless to say, it was painful, joyful, enlightening, disheartening, loving, and miserable... and I made it through.

Then came college, and this is where the eating issues really found their home in my psyche. I had chose to go as far away from Centerville as I could, so that meant University of Denver was PERFECT for me.

I had also made a deal with myself that I was going to meet as many people as possible, and be outgoing, and have fun. My grades reflected my success in that endeavor, at least for the first two years.

Somewhere around my Sophomore year, at our weekly trips to El Torito for Happy Hour, I learned about bulimia. Not because I was worried about my weight (though I was on some level), it was about continuing to drink, and getting rid of the food I'd been putting in my stomach.

Just after college, you can tell by the acid-wash pants
Doug and I are wearing

It started at happy hour, then I found that I felt better afterward... lighter... or something, like a rush. I started doing it after ANYthing I ate, a candy bar, a sandwich or any food that went in my mouth. I lost alot of weight. People noticed and commented how good I looked. I even started working out as well.

Then I got caught by a guy I was dating. I had to face up to what I was doing. Eating disorders were a "new" psychological condition back then, and  only a few clinics existed to treat it. I went to one at the University of Cincinnati that was run by the Wooley's. Two pioneering doctors in the field of eating disorders.

I got better.

Still, in all of this, when I look at pictures, I still was NOT fat. Round? Sure! Full figured? Yes. Fat? No.


To be continued... this is getting WAY long! I'm splitting it up. NEXT, after college and up to now... from simply FEELING fat to actually BEING fat.