If anyone TRULY knew how to parent perfectly, they'd have the riches of the world or author, JK Rowling. But near as I can tell, no one knows for sure what makes a good parent. There are a couple of "gimmes": love and protect your child. But after that, it's a nebulous mess.My goal, since we brought Alex home, was to try and rear a confident (not cocky), secure, educated, good young man. We're off to a good start, but there have been some bumps. Alex is not confident, at least not outwardly. He's painfully shy sometimes, and doesn't participate openly in class for fear of being wrong. If he can't do something perfect the first time he tries, he abandons it.
I've combed through all his early-learning situations, things I might have said, reactions I may not have controlled that might have influenced this behavior, just sure it was something we may have done when he was an infant to have instigated this fear. And while I find that sometimes I'd talk for him, rather than letting him answer or when I saw his angst in a social situation, I got him out of it, none of these would account for his timidity at 8 years old.
Now, don't get me wrong, he can be social. He has friends. He can talk to adults. He just needs to know them well enough. And he even developed his own coping mechanism when he was 3 or 4. We'd go to the park, he'd grab one of his favorite toys to bring with him. I thought, "why does he need that, we're just going down slides and swinging. I'll probably end up holding the damn thing!" But these toys were Alex's entre into talking with other kids on the playground. If "he" thought they were cool, then other kids would think they were cool and they'd want to play with him. It worked, every time.
Where did he learn this? Not from us! But how ingenious!
It backfired, occasionally, in his younger years, because as much as he wanted to play with them, he wasn't big on sharing his toys with them. BUT, we worked on that, and he adapted his idea, and would bring a second set of the toy... I even joined in and would try to set up games like squirt gun / target shot... I'd put chalk "X's" all over the playground (they wash off) and I'd give them filled up squirt guns, and they'd have to find the Xs and shoot them off. He's developed into a kid that knows how to share.
Your child isn't always where you can see them, watch them and gauge their life 100% of the time. There's this thing called, "school." We've been lucky enough to have had 5 very engaging, committed teachers for Alex's years at St. Benedict Prep. It started in preschool with Ms. Aubrey, then continued with Ms Wilson in Kindergarten, but got really interesting with Mrs. Feeley (1st G), Ms. Balsley (2nd G) and now Ms. Cirincione (3rd G). They see Alex's potential and have really worked on a one-to-one with him, and with us, to help bring him out of his shell.
A continuous conversation with them has helped us to get Alex to participate more regularly, raise his hand to answer questions, present his projects at a volume that the kids can hear him at the back of the class. He brings home mostly A's (occasionally a B), reads at a 4th grade level and kicked booty on his Terra Nova testing last year.
He also has a rich support system in his grandparents, who take an active role and work with him on liking himself, and feeling good about himself. He has the wonderful moms and dads of his friends, who consistently give him the praise and attention when he does something right.
He is a really good kid.
He has his issues, but nothing we can't work on, and with the support of all of those around us, come out on the other side with a confident, secure, educated, good young man. I'm sure of it!
