Middle Age... Living it...

A lot of times I post just to try to "write-it-out" and utilize the blog as self-help therapy! Those of you who join me, well, I guess you're just gluttons for my self-indulgence.

As I'm rapidly approaching the age of fifty, I have been looking backward to see how far I've come, what I've learned and assess what I still need to master.

The conclusion?

I've come pretty far, I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn. Now, all that learning may not take place in this lifetime, but I'm going to do my best to try and better my soul a bit more, so the next trip has a head start on things.

So, per my self evaluation, I've identified a consistent situation and learning that needs more attention. Self confidence seems to be at issue through review, current and future learnings. I have made great strides, but it's an underlying issue that has not been resolved. And when it rears it's ugly head, it's the one aspect of my personality that causes the greatest damage.

You would think that self-confidence only affects the person who is lacking in it, but that would be inaccurate. It affects anyone within the circle of friendship with that person.

You, as a friend, seek to minimize the lack of self confidence with words of encouragement or a smack-down of logical arguments of why it's just plain silly. The continuing need to reassure, over time, becomes frustrating because you know what a good person this person is, and how they shouldn't be so insecure, but your words seem to have no meaning or effect. Eventually, you give up or ignore it.

These are insecure people who crave the self-assurance from their friends with such need, they never change their behavior or actually "learn" from this situations. They stay in the "needy" stage.

I can say I moved past that stage a long time ago, but I have friends who are stuck. While I try to help them, it is tiring, but so worth it when they "learn" the lesson, and begin to move past it.

My insecurity is usually a silent, internal killer. It is a small voice that tells me, I don't measure up, there's always someone better. The voice that says, "you're replaceable, you are good, but not good enough." It's that moment of doubt that makes say something you shouldn't in hopes that you're showing how much you know.

At 49, they are fewer and farther between, but they are there.

I've taken to quieting my mind and reminding myself that it's my own internal voice, not necessarily a reality. I take a few deep breaths. I remind myself of the things I know to be true, and focus on what's good with the world.

Nine times out of ten, this works.

It has to be coupled with sleep, exercise and logic. A big, heavy dose of logic.

I don't always win the battle, but in the end I'll win the war.

I've surrounded myself with people I respect for the way they attack the life they have, in hopes of joining them in the realm. There are some out there, that I watch with awe, as they just "do"... they are so Zen without trying. (Truly Zen, not posers) I watch how the lack of "fear of failure" propels them into a life well lived. I observe, I try and sometimes I succeed, which enables me to try again. And when I fail, instead of wallowing, I look for the lesson... what did I learn?

I'll get there, I've got time. It may take me a day, or a week, or a year... or the rest of my lifetime. The difference is, I'm ready. I want to feel that sense of calm and understanding that comes from an enlightened soul. I will earn it, because I deserve it, because I'm open to it. And when you open the door, and walk through with the right attitude, the world is yours.

Sociability Lost

I feel the need to "talk it out," with "it" being my social ineptitude.

There was a time that I use to pride myself on the ability to head out, by myself, and go to a huge party. I actually reveled in the ability to walk in and socialize around the room for hours. I was in the zone. It's where I shone. I got the "I don't know how you can do that, I need at least two friends with me to go into that madhouse!"

Our yearly Christmas Dinner with friends,
but missing Tracy, Glenn & Helen

Oh, how the mighty socializer has fallen.

Last night I attended a retirement party for the woman who hired me at Edelman. It was a lovely event at the Arts Club of Chicago. There were roughly 60-70 people, 30-40 of whom I knew and worked with regularly.

Simple, right? Should be nothing for a woman who use to work the room of 300-400 like a pro, right?

Wrong.

The sudden increase in temperature of my body, coupled with the Sahara dry mouth I was experiencing, reminded me of my inability to navigate through the social expectations of even small groups.

I can't decide if it's age, or that personality change that came with mom's passing or some other quirk I'm developing.

Talking has never been an issue for me, but now it's small talk, it's chit chat, it's sometimes feeling like I'm talking too much or I'm "on". It's not an issue with small groups of friends. It's more when it's groups of people who are acquaintances or if I don't have at least one person in the group that "knows" me, a refuge to be myself. I worry that I may insert my foot in my mouth among those who "sorta" know me. That these people who DON'T really know me, will figure out what a bundle of insecurity I can be, that I'm not the strong, independent, funny persona I project in mixed company. They'll call my bluff. They'll.... k n o w...

... and they'll tell someone... (yes, even in my insecurity, I have a healthy ego, thinking I'm worthy of "news spreading")

And it's more than the inability to have a casual conversation or be pithy and funny, it manifests itself in physical reactions now. I thought it was hot flashes, and they'd just pick up regularity with the stress I would feel in those situations, but I'm starting to believe it's not. It's just the stress of the situation, making me "hot," and not in the good way.

I know part of my problem is my bullshit quotient. I just can't do "fluff" talk anymore. I want to have real conversations, or I want to have those "one-up" laughter conversations. And when I am at a loss for conversation, I find myself devolving to gossipy talk which only embarrasses me and shames me later.

To me, gossipy stuff is conversation when you're trying to fill the silence, which makes a double-edged sword for someone like me who's having problems with sociability.

That's why, as of late, I don't do big gatherings. I stick to hanging with my family, or with my close friends who "know" me, and where my safe zone is huge.

I don't want my acquaintances to take this personally. I don't want people to NOT invite me to events. I just want to talk it out, in hopes that I can somehow work my way through it, looking forward to some enlightenment as to why this switch in my personality.

I'll get there, but something tells me that smaller, more intimate gatherings are in my future with the occasional large celebration that would have more to do with celebrating a friend's milestone or major accomplishment.

Don't take it personally, please, it's me... not you!