There was a time that I use to pride myself on the ability to head out, by myself, and go to a huge party. I actually reveled in the ability to walk in and socialize around the room for hours. I was in the zone. It's where I shone. I got the "I don't know how you can do that, I need at least two friends with me to go into that madhouse!"
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| Our yearly Christmas Dinner with friends, but missing Tracy, Glenn & Helen |
Oh, how the mighty socializer has fallen.
Last night I attended a retirement party for the woman who hired me at Edelman. It was a lovely event at the Arts Club of Chicago. There were roughly 60-70 people, 30-40 of whom I knew and worked with regularly.
Simple, right? Should be nothing for a woman who use to work the room of 300-400 like a pro, right?
Wrong.
The sudden increase in temperature of my body, coupled with the Sahara dry mouth I was experiencing, reminded me of my inability to navigate through the social expectations of even small groups.
I can't decide if it's age, or that personality change that came with mom's passing or some other quirk I'm developing.
Talking has never been an issue for me, but now it's small talk, it's chit chat, it's sometimes feeling like I'm talking too much or I'm "on". It's not an issue with small groups of friends. It's more when it's groups of people who are acquaintances or if I don't have at least one person in the group that "knows" me, a refuge to be myself. I worry that I may insert my foot in my mouth among those who "sorta" know me. That these people who DON'T really know me, will figure out what a bundle of insecurity I can be, that I'm not the strong, independent, funny persona I project in mixed company. They'll call my bluff. They'll.... k n o w...
... and they'll tell someone... (yes, even in my insecurity, I have a healthy ego, thinking I'm worthy of "news spreading")
And it's more than the inability to have a casual conversation or be pithy and funny, it manifests itself in physical reactions now. I thought it was hot flashes, and they'd just pick up regularity with the stress I would feel in those situations, but I'm starting to believe it's not. It's just the stress of the situation, making me "hot," and not in the good way.
I know part of my problem is my bullshit quotient. I just can't do "fluff" talk anymore. I want to have real conversations, or I want to have those "one-up" laughter conversations. And when I am at a loss for conversation, I find myself devolving to gossipy talk which only embarrasses me and shames me later.
To me, gossipy stuff is conversation when you're trying to fill the silence, which makes a double-edged sword for someone like me who's having problems with sociability.
That's why, as of late, I don't do big gatherings. I stick to hanging with my family, or with my close friends who "know" me, and where my safe zone is huge.
I don't want my acquaintances to take this personally. I don't want people to NOT invite me to events. I just want to talk it out, in hopes that I can somehow work my way through it, looking forward to some enlightenment as to why this switch in my personality.
I'll get there, but something tells me that smaller, more intimate gatherings are in my future with the occasional large celebration that would have more to do with celebrating a friend's milestone or major accomplishment.
Don't take it personally, please, it's me... not you!
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