When Life Gives You Lemons...

When life gives you lemons, zest it, peel it, squeeze it and suck on it. Seriously!

A few weeks ago came with some interesting experiences that tested my belief in myself...again. 

I thought you just had to be a good person, as honest as humanly possible, care for others as you do yourself...and the world will love you back.

For the most part, I have found that to be true.

Unfortunately, there are some who do not share that philosophy. And while on the surface it may seem they're being petty or childish, with some introspection, I think it's more that they're scared. Maybe something has happened to them in their lives that makes them think they have to defend themselves before anyone ever attacks. Maybe they've been screwed over in the past, and instead of looking for the good, they're looking to get screwed again.

I've had those moments in my life, and how I treated others...let's say, were not my proudest moments.

But we can learn from them, we can look inside and instead of expecting the worst, we can create the best. 

And if you're on the receiving end of this behavior, you can take a moment away from feeling sorry for yourself and actually think about why that person acts that way. Maybe you're the one they attack because they don't know how to deal with someone who isn't looking to hurt them? Maybe they lash out at you because your behavior is something so foreign to them, it scares them? I don't know.

What I do know is that I was internalizing this, and all I had to show for it was a twitch in my eye, being sick to my stomach and then uncharacteristically "losing it" on two different occasions. All because I was at a loss. Every effort to figure it out was thwarted. Others around me enduring the wrath that was meant for me. I had guilt, doubt and self-recrimination. And still, I had no idea what I had done.

So I stepped back and I turned my evaluative eye on the situation. I took a long, hard look at myself. Yes, there are things I may have done, but never with any ill intent or malice, perhaps just an honest mistake. Yes, I'm not perfect. I'd hardly be any fun to be around if I was. No, I never set out to hurt or malign anyone. 

I also found, in the end, I was beating myself up for something that was yet to be defined. I have come so far, but I still fall back into those self-doubt and self-loathing places that I thought were locked away. And I was the one allowing it to happen. I'm the one in control of how it affects me. The minute you begin to doubt, you've given up your power.

It only matters what you believe. 
It only matters what you know. 
And if you're honest with yourself, 
and take the blame when it's deserved, 
and push away the falsities, 
you find that most of the time 
you're a really wonderful person. 
You realize there are a lot of people 
out there that know you, 
maybe better than you know yourself, 
and they love you. 
And if THEY love you, you have to love yourself. 

If you can do that, no matter what anyone says about you, it won't matter. And if someone is out there talking about you, love them more...give them more... show them the compassion and understanding you were denied. Two wrongs do not make it right. 

Up until this moment, typing this in a stream of consciousness, I was not very forgiving. I was not considering the motivation behind the attack. I had gone straight to a defensive posture, aligning my mental army men with bayonets, ready to take on a frontal lobe attack.

Now? Now a lot of the anger is gone. I'm breathing a little deeper, more even. My eyelids are getting heavy, and I think I may actually sleep tonight. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with my lil guy and hubby, maybe coffee with a friend and maybe some time with others. I will rest. I will rejuvenate and I will forgive, myself and others.