Middle Age... Living it...

A lot of times I post just to try to "write-it-out" and utilize the blog as self-help therapy! Those of you who join me, well, I guess you're just gluttons for my self-indulgence.

As I'm rapidly approaching the age of fifty, I have been looking backward to see how far I've come, what I've learned and assess what I still need to master.

The conclusion?

I've come pretty far, I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn. Now, all that learning may not take place in this lifetime, but I'm going to do my best to try and better my soul a bit more, so the next trip has a head start on things.

So, per my self evaluation, I've identified a consistent situation and learning that needs more attention. Self confidence seems to be at issue through review, current and future learnings. I have made great strides, but it's an underlying issue that has not been resolved. And when it rears it's ugly head, it's the one aspect of my personality that causes the greatest damage.

You would think that self-confidence only affects the person who is lacking in it, but that would be inaccurate. It affects anyone within the circle of friendship with that person.

You, as a friend, seek to minimize the lack of self confidence with words of encouragement or a smack-down of logical arguments of why it's just plain silly. The continuing need to reassure, over time, becomes frustrating because you know what a good person this person is, and how they shouldn't be so insecure, but your words seem to have no meaning or effect. Eventually, you give up or ignore it.

These are insecure people who crave the self-assurance from their friends with such need, they never change their behavior or actually "learn" from this situations. They stay in the "needy" stage.

I can say I moved past that stage a long time ago, but I have friends who are stuck. While I try to help them, it is tiring, but so worth it when they "learn" the lesson, and begin to move past it.

My insecurity is usually a silent, internal killer. It is a small voice that tells me, I don't measure up, there's always someone better. The voice that says, "you're replaceable, you are good, but not good enough." It's that moment of doubt that makes say something you shouldn't in hopes that you're showing how much you know.

At 49, they are fewer and farther between, but they are there.

I've taken to quieting my mind and reminding myself that it's my own internal voice, not necessarily a reality. I take a few deep breaths. I remind myself of the things I know to be true, and focus on what's good with the world.

Nine times out of ten, this works.

It has to be coupled with sleep, exercise and logic. A big, heavy dose of logic.

I don't always win the battle, but in the end I'll win the war.

I've surrounded myself with people I respect for the way they attack the life they have, in hopes of joining them in the realm. There are some out there, that I watch with awe, as they just "do"... they are so Zen without trying. (Truly Zen, not posers) I watch how the lack of "fear of failure" propels them into a life well lived. I observe, I try and sometimes I succeed, which enables me to try again. And when I fail, instead of wallowing, I look for the lesson... what did I learn?

I'll get there, I've got time. It may take me a day, or a week, or a year... or the rest of my lifetime. The difference is, I'm ready. I want to feel that sense of calm and understanding that comes from an enlightened soul. I will earn it, because I deserve it, because I'm open to it. And when you open the door, and walk through with the right attitude, the world is yours.