Sometimes It's Not You...

In this world, there are the narcissists, the confident ones, the insecure ones, the blissfully ignorant ones, the genuinely happy ones...and there are ones like me, ever-critical of self. There's no way I'm arrogant or blissfully ignorant, but I do have moments of confidence, insecurity and genuine happiness, all to varying degrees.

I have found I am a bit more critical of myself once a month, I'm hoping that goes with the wave of hot flashes I now endure. It does help to at least understand the trigger, in order to keep from totally collapsing into a weeping pool of self-doubt.

This is one of the things that makes
me genuinely happy!

Over all, I'm a fairly secure individual. I experience genuine happiness every time I hear my son truly laugh, see a perfect sunset or successfully help a friend in need. My insecurities manifest themselves in a physical issue called "weight" which is actually a deeper insecurity which I can discuss in a later blog. Blissful ignorance is something I can't resolve, I find nothing blissful about ignorance, and those that live their lives that way, irritate the snot out of me.

In the day-to-day bombardment of one's self-worth, if you're like me, there's always the underlying idea that it's something "we've" done. Unless you're the "confident" one, you start by looking inward. "Did I say something wrong?" "Did I miss something, not do enough?" "If only I had... (insert issue here)." When we've exhausted those ideas, THEN we look outward.

Why?

Why do most of us start with the fault lying with us, versus that particular situation, or the circumstances we had no control over?

I believe it harkens back to two things: 1) being a people pleaser or 2) the need to be in control of the situation on some level. "If I was in control of this situation, then it wouldn't have gone down like this."

Sometimes it just hits during a "low" and you just metaphorically add it to the pile of things you can't do right.

Or... maybe you did have something to do with it, but does it have to be ALL your responsibility? Were there others who should share in the shame?

For those "people pleasers" of us, you're convinced you could have done more to prevent it. Your disappointment actually comes more from letting others down and internalizing it as a lack of ability on your part. But sometimes... it's NOT YOU!

It's usually a series of decisions, some you had control over... and others you did not.

While you can SHARE in the responsibility, you don't OWN it, regardless of how you feel. Sometimes others, in their haste to buck their responsibility, play on your insecurities in order to avoid the trap that is self-doubt. The trick is not to simply accept it. Understanding the part you played, and taking a deep breath before beating yourself up, often prevents a lot of unnecessary self-flagulation.

Life is about learning... learning from your mistakes... learning from your successes... learning from others... and remembering the lessons. Take what worked, and own it. Take what didn't, and figure out what to do differently next time, and own that too!

We're fallible, we're human and most of the mistakes we make in life will not cause extreme harm to anyone, so don't fall into the trap of feeling TOO guilty, or accepting too much responsibility. Weigh the facts, assess the outcome and try... TRY not to beat yourself up.