Monday, June 20, 2011

Back to the Weight Thing...

I got off track lately, when it comes to the whole weight issue. It happens to me, getting off track, that is. This whole blog is a simply a stream of consciousness. I don't really edit after I type, except to check for typos or REALLY heinous grammatical errors. But I want to get back to the weight/self-image story...

So, we left off during a sedentary part of my life, when online communities were in their infancy and costly. I spent ALOT of time online, and on my ass. This was the beginning of my downfall.

Now, don't get me wrong, I met my husband on Compuserve. He moved up here in '95, we were married in '96... and celebrated 15 years together this past Memorial Day weekend. I got comfortable... really comfortable... and a bit lazy, other than the three nights a week I played softball.

There's something to be said about being "comfortable"... but when you add "lazy" to it, it's just a slippery, slick slope to fatty girl!

All that time I had "worried" that I was fat... went through the bulimia... got better... got fit... and here I was, 15 years after all of that, and I was truly getting fat.

Then the next chapter came with the illness of my mom.

She and my dad had been divorced 5 years, she was remarried. Dad had remarried also. Mom lived in Chester, VA with my step dad who taught logistics at a local army base. They travelled to Europe for his work and his hobby, train collecting. Often they stayed in military housing which meant very old facilities and not the best accommodations.

A little aside, Mom had polio as a child, and one thing they've found in polio victims of the past is that the muscles that the polio affected in childhood deteriorated earlier and became extremely weak. Mom's muscles were her abdominal muscles that helped her exhale, the muscles around the lungs. She developed a poor breathing problem at night and used a bi-pap machine to sleep, in order to keep her O2 levels non-toxic. When mom was diagnosed with post polio and respiratory issues, her O2 levels had slowly (over years) lowered to toxic levels... she couldn't stay awake for more than an hour without needing to sleep. It was scary, but the bi-pap had handled things.

Where she got "ill" was, in my belief, from her stays at these bases overseas... and the use of her bi-pap machine to force air through her lungs. She once remarked that her filter in her machine was black when she took it out.

Mom was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer in Sept of 2001. She had a procedure in June to remove a mass in her lung, but they told her that they got it all and there were no live cancer cells surrounding the mass, they would just monitor it with x-rays and regular visits. Three months later, it was in both lungs, her spine and a rib in her back. It was stage IV. She went to Johns Hopkins for confirmation and a treatment plan. There really wasn't one...

Up to now, that phone call I got from her on the way back from the doctor was the worst moment in my entire life. It literally rocked my world.

I spent the next 6 months going back and forth to Virginia. I hosted Xmas at my house for my family, consisting of my brother (who hadn't been home for Xmas in 10 years - from Dubai), my grandmother, my aunt and my mom and step-dad. We had a wonderful holiday, and I worked so hard to make it a great visit. We had "talks"... we shared lots of stories, and love, and tears.

For those six months I was on autopilot.

Eventually, my mom came and lived with me for her last month. It was hard. Really hard.

Here was my best friend, who I did not want to let down, who I wanted to stay positive for, who it was KILLING me that she was dying... but I just kept moving one day at a time.

Grandmother, Mom and Sue (my aunt)
Mom left us on April 10th, 2002... in the early afternoon. I had spent the entire previous day and night... holding her hand. I was hoping I could keep her around til my brother made it back from Dubai. My family talked me into taking a break, and letting my aunt hold her hand... and try to get some sleep, because I was getting loopy. It was only a few minutes, and she started gasping... her eyes wide open. Someone ran and got our nurse, Maureen. It was time. I let my grandmother get up next to her (she was there, in a wheelchair after having her 3rd hip surgery just a week earlier), my step dad was on the other side.. my aunt and Alan just down from each of them. Me? I was just off to the side. My mom looked over at me... and I looked in her eyes. "It's ok, you can go. I'll take care of Doug. It's really ok, Mom. I love you, but you don't have to stay here anymore." My step-dad was saying otherwise, but I knew she was listening to me. My grandmother and aunt told her the same thing, through their tears. Alan weeped to the side of my step-dad.

She took one last breath, and left us.

Ten minutes later, my dad called that my brother's plane had landed.

I think she knew what we all hadn't considered. If Doug has seen what we saw, he wouldn't have been comforted by it, he would have been haunted by it. But, I still had my guilt for not getting him home, that was my cross to bear.

Mom was out of pain, moving on to where ever we go when we die, but I do believe she had a soul that left her body... and based on my beliefs, I believe she will be back to continue her journey of learning, and I hope we cross paths again. I also believe that she had a say in our getting Alex when we did, a year and a half later.

What does all this have to do with weight... it was a life-changing moment. It switched something in my make-up, and my "eating for comfort" began to take over. I also just wanted to "feel" better, and chocolate cake did that, ice cream did that, fresh-baked bread... did that!

It wasn't til a year into having Alex, that I started to come out of my eating funk. I found a more joyful thing that made me feel good... my own family... and now it was time to look inward at the outside and get fit for my son.

And, I did... for a while.

More to come.....

2 comments:

  1. don't know why i seem to click on your blog the times i do (i don't always). But this story moves me, and i want so much for you to be healthy and happy. read...healthy and happy--not thin, and not the same thing by any means. rock on sister. i love you!

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  2. I always end up reading stuff I "need" to read, unexpectedly... the "power greater than myself" giving me a hint! Thanks for the note, hon... and I DID notice you said, Healthy & Happy! :) Love you too!

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